Translated from Bangla by Omme Kulsum Mili
This time appears as a ferocious beast. It seems time is dangling endlessly like a bloody metallic pendulum under this high ceiling; it’s slowly arriving like a certain truth. It’s as if I am the hero of Alan Poe’s story – naked, completely naked, lying on the table and I know one day the pendulum will swing down like the devil, and I would instantly be a mangled mass of mutilated flesh, flailing at the sharp, shiny blade attached to the head of the pendulum. In front of my eyes it appears to be an ornamented roof, hanging like an eggshell, a smoky room, a staircase to the right; handless, spiralling up – who knows it!
For a long time I have been continuously smoking cigarette one by one. Though there is no intention for smoking, I am just pulling it. Atoshi got annoyed when I used to take more cigarettes. She roared by saying like “You cannot smoke in front of me.” Still I smoked, as I loved to make her angry. She used to grab it forcefully, fenced on it and willingly I would hold the hand off. For holding my hand, so that she could grab the cigarette and throw it out: anxious Atoshi turned so desperate that she never cared about other possibilities. Meanwhile, her soft skin, cold hands, cheeks and an intoxicating sweet smell – all made me impassioned for her. I loved to be stuck on this by entangling her with my other hand and used to put my face under her neck, on her chest, chin, lips and shoulder. My Atoshi, and her body! That moment I felt that I extremely love her and I want nothing except her. For this time there was no other option but surrender, then she would easily grab the cigarette and throw it away. At one point she could free herself from me and try to fix the buttons of her blouse, fix her displaced hair and sari. Softly she would call “Swain!”
She spoke as if she had no interest in this game of catching cigarettes. Only the noble sacrifice of her is to save a fallen youth who had gone astray. If I was not wrong, she had not enough negligence in this barbarism. The joy might have been a little bit or the intoxication of the barbarian!
I don’t know where Atoshi is living right now. I have not seen her for a long time. On our last day of meeting, she wanted to disclose something but could not. Whether the face can be seen in the showcase mirror – don’t know. Probably her sinthi’s vermillion might keep her quiet, when she looked. As if she understood that this red dot would now stand up as a shield against all kinds of games. Because the man who once said “I cannot live a single day without your presence” could not be proved as a criminal if he no longer believed in such promising words.
No, I am not alone in this little house. I sat on one corner of the bed which is leaning against the wall. On the middle there is a woman with a friend of mine on the bed with her legs propping up on the pillow and her legs are dangling over the bed. It is a small room with perfect bright light. This spacious bed occupies all the space between the two walls, occupying five-eighth of the total room. There is only one open window behind us. A little wind is blowing now and then. This white bed is pleasantly bright in the light of a medium-sized tube light.
I don’t know how long I have been sitting in this room. There is a watch on the left wrist but I forget to look at it. There was a light rain in the evening. I and my two friends, three of us squeezed into a taxi to go somewhere. I cannot remember who expressed it first. Suddenly on one evening we wanted to be exceptional because we had been hungry for a long time in exile. Every day we are old in habit but cannot make a change, no matter how hard we try. But we get out. It can only be called a hobby. In another sense it can be called an insatiable desire to discover. Therefore, we caught down a taxi in the street.
That was about two hours ago. Now I am up against the wall. This lady, this room, the shuttered windows, the roof, the cupboard nails and the picture of an old man hanging on the wall – that’s all I am noticing. The woman’s complexion is fair and her body is slender while wearing a painted white sari. Keeping her body slightly bended, she sat in a relaxed posture. For this her hips are stretched finely and boobs seem as attractive as forbidden fruits.
Just a few minutes ago my friend suddenly pulled this lady close to him and kissed her fervently. I was just looking and shaking my body. I have never seen such a thing happening before my eyes except in foreign movies. When my friend was enthusiastically pulling this lady onto his chest for attempting a second kiss, probably because of my presence, she forced herself away. Even she displayed a little annoyance on her eyes. As if she had no interest in this matter. However, I don’t know why I was feeling so much laughter. Again I was smoking a cigarette, hiding my smile and yawning. The whole thing seemed to me like a newly discovered fun-game. I was feeling headache. Though I heard that it can be removed by taking two-pegs of whisky, I couldn’t make it. There was a little breeze coming through the window.
What is the name of that restaurant cum bar? I forgot. We three have sat in a cabin but there were no curtains here in this room. A wooden table with dirty white sheets on it. From here, most of the areas of that outer hall is visible. The whole room is dimly lit. What a smoky situation! The old ceiling fan is just spinning as the house makes sound overhead. There are people inside, almost eight to ten girls are sitting around the tables in front of the cabin. Others are roaming here and there with their suitors. It looked like they usually sit like that. People can call any individual if they have their own preferences. Then they drank peg or shared with the other. When they fix anyone with their budget, they pick and leave with their budget, they pick and leave with a bang. This is a place where human can be bought and sold out.
We were watching them with a glass of whisky to our lips. At this age we were not supposed to be indifferent on seeing girls; and specially those girls who were ready to go with their customers just like commodities. Those lady will come to your possession easily if your pockets are heavy. They did not sit quiet, but talking to each other in low tone and making laughing noises. Some were smoking cigarettes. In some tables a few were sitting with friends. Some were squinting at us and winked back.
Everything is new to me. For the first time I have come to such a place and I was a little bit afraid. We were talking amongst ourselves while eating “Dal-Mot” and pouring whiskey down our throats. Taimur was just stuttering while speaking and also looking around, yawning. Jamil was quietly sitting and thinking. Forgetting to take the lighted cigarette, he was just gazing to and fro and also with his lips, he was sipping some whiskey.
Exactly at this time it happened. They both came and sat on two empty chairs just in front of our cabin. We all three were shocked. As they sat with their back to us, we could not see their faces. One of them conceived a nice figure – healthy, heavy hips and her smooth skin was reflected outside from her inner. Such a figure effortlessly can distract anyone’s eyes. Turning the tip of his tongue, Taimur made a sound like “Chuck Chuck.” I smiled at him and he softly murmured “Cool stuff.” Jamil nodded in agreement with the smile. Getting inspired Taimur said “Could we call her?” I did not answer. Turning his throat Jamil looked again and said, “Will she come if I call?”
“Eh! Why not?” Taimur again asked my opinion for calling the lady. Shaking my head I gave my confirmation. It seemed to me quite interesting. Suddenly, I felt a sense of recklessness but I had nothing except this present. All of a sudden I do not know why I was missing Atoshi. By this time a strange anger in my body started to freeze like black wash in the mind. For now Atoshi and this girl did not look different at all. Oh lady! Morality is actually a human bond. We can do everything, even people like Atoshi can also do. So what’s the difference between Atoshi and these girls? Even Atoshi could have come here through a different situation or anyone of them could be an Atoshi. Still I have restored all the letters Atoshi had sent. Also it would be nice to keep her marriage card in the bookcase. It would be . . .
Love is a game. Such a love-love game. It’s like that – a girl desires a boyfriend just like a sari or jewellery. Jewellery designs become old, sari designs change. Since the beloved man cannot be changed in such a fashion, so one has to know how to use tricks such as deceit, arrogance and deliberate anger in time. Taimur called the waiter and said something silently. When the waiter went to the girl, she looked back and saw us. Then she said something to the ear of the girl who is next to her. That girl also looked back once.
That means they also have a preference. She did not get up. This girl used to fall on him laughingly. Taimur called the waiter again. I caught a new cigarette now. Jamil, my friend seemed sweating heavily. As soon as the waiter left, the girl looked back. Then she said something to her friend’s ear again. Time was passing through after minutes. I desperately looked away and tried to forget about it. It resembled that a train was coming toward me with its dumbed sound through the dark and I was trying to run fast to get away from the rail line, but I could not do anything. I tried to think about Atoshi but that did not happen actually. I wanted to think of her face, to fill it within memories. But the sad thing is that the whole shape of the face could not be captured – sometimes both eyes, sometimes a little smile at the corner of her swollen lips, these things started to move in my mind, in the memory.
By this time the girl has come. It seems she keeps always smiling. Her body figure is really a fantastic one. Her face is filled with simplicity. An elevated lady with slightly flattened nose. At first she hesitated for a couple of minutes. What she possesses is a narrow waist over heavy hips. A great portion of her stomach and waist can easily be seen under her short blouse. Along with her very sharp nipples, a white strap is peeking out from her right shoulder blouse neck. She is wrapping a piece of cloth with her fingers. It assumes that she is smiling inside again by taking her face down. So some people will find reason to smile in everything.
This is how it started. Taimur asked, “What will you eat?” Among three of us, Taimur seems to be the most enthusiastic and experienced. Hearing that question the girl raised her face, looked and smiled again. Then she said, “Kindly call my friend.” Jamil sits with one hand on the glass and starts sweating. I am afraid that my cigarettes are running out quickly.
Taimur continued, “Better you call her.” Immediately this girl called on “Nita, hey Nita”. In response, her friend Nita looked back and frowned a little while replying, “What happened?” The girl from Jamil’s side said, “Come here.” Nita turned back and almost leaning over another girl next to her and was making a loud sound. The whole situation got very uncomfortable to me. But at that moment there was no way to escape from here. I was stuck in my chair, even did not know whether I had the strength to stand up. Now, Nita stood up. The waiter pulled another chair from outside and left again. Meanwhile, the other girls started looking at us curiously. Nita’s waist is finely thick. Her sleeves of white coloured blouse are down to her elbows, some belly flesh is hanging over and causing the belly to bulge awkwardly. However, her face is serious enough as if she is thinking about something different.
Taimur suddenly remembered when he was asking the name of the girl, he was almost in his half voice, just like a shy girl. He said “Shuvona.” Taimur was talking almost all the time looking at Shuvona. Enthusiastically he reached out his hand to Shuvona and scolding her chin he proceeded “Beautiful name indeed.” He again ordered two pegs of whiskey. I dismissed his offer and informed him that I wouldn’t take it anymore. Then we sat in silence for a long time. Shuvona started, “Do you know? Today I have come here for the first time. Jesus! What a naughty place it is!” Looking toward Nita she again said, “I will never come here with you.” However, I noticed that one of Jamil’s hand was put on Shuvona’s back.
The waiter left the whiskey glasses. Taimur invited her to take one of it. Nita picked up the glass very casually and after swallowing it she put the glass down. Then she indifferently opened her bag and started searching for something. Shuvona whispered something on Jamil’s ear and he leant on her. He seemed very restless and held her hand immediately when she picked up her glass. Meanwhile, I took a handkerchief and started wiping my sweat. All this was completely new to me. I would say it was a great experience. I did not know what to do. The girl like Shuvona was sitting in front of me and Nita was just next to me. There I could smell a fantastic fragrance from Nita’s body and now I no longer smell the sweat of mine. Nita did her make-up carefully. I could see her bare abdomen, waist and navel. Right now Nita was turning her gaze to all of our faces simultaneously. On other side, Shuvona looked so simple, innocent and jovial. She was much prettier than Nita but always a piece of sadness got mixed like a shadow on her face. I felt that such kind of depression also has an attraction.
These happened one hour ago. We got out of there and took a taxi down to the street. After a while our taxi stopped in front of an old house in a dark alley. After the payment, we were walking upstairs through a narrow and almost dark stairs. Observing us, a few faces came out of their rooms from the downstairs. They might be children, old men, middle aged women, young women and so on. I felt so much uneasy. Nita and Shuvona were ahead of us. Their heavy bodies were swinging like a pendulum with the progress of the stairs. It seemed that the rustling sound of their saris and their body fragrance suddenly started to stir wildly.
At first we were sitting in the next room. Here is a wide bed with old mattress on the lower bed. The pillows were scattered. Inside the room, a boy of thirteen or fourteen years was heating something on the stove. Shortly after we sad down, he quietly walked onto the porch with his stuff and stove. By this time Jamil pulled a pillow and laid down on the bed. Taimur took this chance to put his hand on Shuvona’s waist. As soon as she looked back, Taimur pulled her close to his chest and started kissing loudly. Ahhh! Shuvona sounded like this. What a surprise! To me, all this was like dismal to me. It seemed that such type of emotion is suitable for this place. Nita was keeping the house things in order. She said, “What about taking something, like a drink?”
Jamil instantly took out the money. I passed money to bring cigarettes and it took ten minutes to get it in hand. Starting with a new cigarette I told Nita that I would not take anything more. Now we are sitting in this room. Nita keeps the empty bottle next to the wall. I wanted to think of so many things but I could not. Only Atoshi is grasping me now. What is she doing right now? It is people who make love within themselves and again they hate each other. No other thing but it is time which changes the meaning of love gradually. Just now I feel that love converts into emptiness like an empty bottle of whiskey. Does it really happen? I wonder how we survive in these unnecessary times.
After a while NIita got up and went out. Taimur asked, “What’s the matter, you are so quiet?” “What should I do,” I replied. He further asked “Don’t you feel good?” Nodding my head, I said “Maybe.” Actually at this moment I couldn’t catch my feelings at all. Sometimes people feel being drowned in such uncertainty. It feels like an aimless journey. I do not understand why this happens!
I saw a small three-wheeled bicycle in the next room and now am recalling that scenario. Torn books are kept in the shelf of the right sided wall; a pair of folded eyeglasses, the glasses seem old with old fashioned lenses, just like the glass the old people used to use. I started to search some others in between these. Fearless thoughts gradually began to break down. Half-asleep, Taimur tries to close his eyes.
Nita came back after a while and called Taimur. He looked at me and said “Go.” My whole body was getting weak. Gradually a deep cold feeling was spreading throughout my body just like a reptile. Shaking my head I responded in the negative. Taimur got up and stood in front of me, saying, “Okay, I am going. Do you like her?” With a smile, Taimur took the way after Nita. Here, I lit another cigarette. This room felt very empty to me. I was sweating all over. After a while Nita came back to this room and locked the door. I gave a look at her again and started thinking – how old might she be? Twenty eight or thirty? Or more? I requested her to sit down. With a sharp look, she said, “What will happen if I sit here” I did not reply. Nita crawled on the bed and closed the window. Then she switched off the tube light and turned on a soft light. She stood and thought once, then slowly started to open up the button of her blouse. This sound began to crumble and fall all around the room. Once her blouse felt off, the white bra seemed shining like the moon alone on her chest. Now she took off her sari slowly and placed it on the chair next to her. The whole room is dark. Unfastening the straps of the bra she pulled it over her chest, then she hung it over the chair.
I was looking at her without taking my look away. Instantly her underclothing fell off. I realized that she was not exactly Nita who was available just a few minutes back. Now the real original primitive Nita is standing in front of me. It reminded me of Manik Bandyopadhyay’s “Chatuskon.” I am not a prince, nor is Nita a Sarasi. But who are we? “Did the clock stop? I kept my eyes on the dial. I wanted to look closely. Nothing was seen actually. Raising it to my ear, I wanted to hear the sound. But …No. Again I recalled the three-wheeled bicycle, kept in the next room. Whose is that?
Nita came a little closer and put her hand on my shoulder. I looked at her face. She said, “Nobody likes me that much!” I nodded my head and said, “It’s not a matter like that.” In fact I…what can I say…actually I don’t like such thing. With a sarcastic smile on her lips she said again “ Hatred!” I could not understand her expression well in this dim light. Rather, I thought of lighting a cigarette again. Now Nita laughed out loudly then she said, “It was not a right decision for you to come here. Come on…the loss is mine.”
“Loss? No, why will it be a loss? You will get the whole money for your time.”
“I do not receive donation. I have not started begging yet.”
I looked at Nita’s face again. “What can I do for her.” I was quite angry with myself. But I could not think of anything else. I was just remembering….
A long time ago, when I was young, we used to live in village and there was a tricycle in our neighbourly house. Its handle was broken, no pedal, the rubber of the back wheel was missing and what not. But we all eagerly wanted to ride this car. One day when it got completely broken, it was found lying next to a pile of old iron and steel. Gradually, we forgot about that cycle. After a long time I have remembered it again today. Why? Is it for seeing this bicycle in the next room? Suddenly I thought to ask Nita about the owner of this cycle. But it remained unasked.
Nita looked and smiled a little. Was there a sense of indolence in her smile? But I felt Nita wanted to destroy the whole world around her.
Subrata Barua : Fictionist in Bangla Literature
Omme Kulsum Mili is Lecturer in the Department of English, Leading University, Sylhet
Illustration : Satabdi Zahid
